A Decade Together

Robby with Bird

Written By Robby

I'm currently serving as the discipleship pastor at North Pointe Church in Lutz, Florida. I have a master's degree in biblical interpretation. I love thinking about things from a theological perspective and considering the hard questions of life. I have an affinity for technology. I enjoy photography, backpacking, video games, and writing.

January 3, 2025

What I’ve Learned From Ten Years of Marriage

Today marks ten years of marriage to my wonderful wife, Samantha. Perhaps even more impressive is that we’ve been dating for at least fifteen years. That means we are only a few years shy from hitting the milestone of having spent more of our lives together than we have apart. I’m not really one to offer out marriage advice. I constantly feel like there are plenty of other people out there who have been married longer than me, through more than me, and are perhaps wiser than me. As such, I try to let those who are more qualified than myself offer their advice. Samantha, being a marriage and family therapist, is certainly more qualified in this area than I. Even still, I can say that I have learned a lot during these past ten years. Some lessons I regrettably learned the hard way.

Love Keeps No Record of Rights

If you have attended a wedding ever, then chances are fairly good you’ve heard 1 Cor 13:4-7. It is the wedding verse. It’s easy to see why a couple would want to honor their wedding by having this verse read aloud over their marriage. I think more than anything, it’s great advice from the apostle Paul in how to not just love your spouse, but how to love anyone. It’s broadly applicable to not only significant others but also friends, coworkers, children, parents, or even pets. For a single dude, Paul seems to have given some of the best advice ever on relationships.

Out of all the different descriptions Paul gives about love, my favorite is found there in verse five. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Who among us hasn’t found themselves in an argument in one of our relationships and hasn’t ended up in an accusation contest? Things truly get strained once lines of communication suddenly break down into simply accusing the other of all the bad things they’ve ever done to you. I’d say it’s pretty solid advice to avoid this situation altogether, but I’d also say that the inverse of this is also great advice. Love keeps no record of rights either.

In our relationship we avoid keeping records of the things we do to each other that are bad, but we also avoid keeping records of the things that we do for each other that are good. Just as much as communication can breakdown into listing all the things the other has done to you that are hurtful, it can also breakdown into listing all the things you’ve done for the other that are helpful and that the other person has failed to reciprocate. It can look like listing off chores you do, “well I vacuum every week, pick the kids up from daycare, and cook every night, while you do nothing.” It can also look like disagreements over financial contributions. “I make twice what you make, and what do I get for it? Nothing.”

As soon as this attitude enters your marriage, it suddenly stops being about loving and respecting each other and turns transactional. It’s about the scales not being balanced. The issue is once that happens, you two will never agree on when the balance is achieved. That’s because we often overvalue our contributions to a relationship and undervalue the contributions of others. Are there times when one partner is clearly taking advantage of the work of the other? Certainly, but that is more an issue of respect rather than a cold, calculated issue of fairness.

The solution to this is adopting an attitude of servanthood in your marriage. People are frequently surprised to find out that I do practically all the cooking in our marriage. For one, I actually enjoy cooking to an extent, and two, I have been told occasionally that I am a pretty good chef. Samantha has never complained, so I’ll take the win there. More so than that, is that I approach the task as an opportunity to serve my wife by cooking for her. I expect nothing in return because a servant does not serve expecting anything back. As soon as I adopted the attitude that I am my wife’s servant, it ended all thoughts of somehow making my relationship with Samantha transactional. Paul puts it this way in Eph 5:25. Husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the Church, and He did that through the ultimate act of servanthood by giving up His life for the Church. Through our marriage vows, Samantha has dedicated her Earthly life to me, and I to her. It’s all about servanthood.

Beware the Horsemen

I am a sucker for a good metaphor, especially one that builds off a Biblical metaphor. They work so well for me because I’m a very visual and abstract learner. When Samantha told me about this concept in one of her therapy methodologies called “The Four Horsemen of Divorce” I was immediately interested. This idea comes from the Gottman Institute, an organization of therapists that have apparently developed a mathematical method for predicting if a marriage will survive or end in divorce. When one of the Four Horsemen shows up in a relationship, the marriage is practically doomed for failure unless definitive action is quickly taken to remove them. You can read more about them in this article from the Gottman Institute.

I won’t rehash all of it here, but the gist is that the Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each one spells disaster for a relationship. For me, understanding this has been one of the single most powerful tools for helping me understand my marriage. That might also be because it’s one of the few ones simple enough for me to grab on to, especially because it’s a metaphor. Samantha and I have had our issues. We’ve gone through a lot together, far more than I am willing to write down here. Many of those things were brought on by us, and many of those things were brought on by things outside our control. When things get hairy, I try to evaluate my thoughts for these apocalyptic riders. Am I criticizing Samantha when talking about this issue? Am I being defensive when she’s talking to me? Am I stonewalling and not wanting to communicate? Am I harboring any contempt for Samantha?

A quick check for these feelings allows me to identify them and actually target them. Each one has a solution for addressing them. If I’m being critical, then one thing I can do is stop saying “you” and start saying “I.” Instead of, “You never think of me.” It turns into, “I’m just feeling like my feelings aren’t being considered.” If it’s being defensive, then I swallow my pride and take responsibility. “I’m sorry. I did drop the ball on that.” If it’s stonewalling, then I call for a time-out. “I need some time to decompress. Let’s handle this after a break.” If it’s contempt, well then we’d probably be in therapy. Contempt is the worst one, and fortunately, we haven’t had to seriously face that one down yet. The best advice about contempt I’ve learned is to prevent it from showing up in the first place. I try to do this by being open with what I feel and not allowing negative feelings to fester.

Granted, there is a considerable gap between knowing the path and walking it. I might be able to write all these things down, but I certainly am not always able to do them. Samantha is probably right now in the comments about to say that very same thing. I still haven’t achieved perfect husband status. Still, I try my best and knowing is half the battle.

Choose Happiness Over Being Right

There’s this line from one of my favorite books that has stuck with me ever since I read it for the first time in middle school.

“I’d far rather be happy than right any day.”

“And are you?”

“No. That’s where it all falls down, of course.”

“Pity”, said Arthur. “It sounded like rather a good lifestyle otherwise.”

– Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

When I was younger, I was obsessed with being right. I was eager to learn more so I could be more right more often. If you’re like me, then you know exactly the feeling. I’ve learned something as I’ve gotten older, being right is vastly overrated. I really think that’s what this quote is all about. It’s true, I would rather be happy than right any day, but I don’t always do that.

I’ve found in my marriage that I am often happier when I am quick to own up to the mistake, even when I don’t believe I made a mistake or that I should be responsible for it. That last part is where the secret sauce is. I have had plenty of times when Samantha has said that I’ve messed up, but I didn’t agree. Younger me would have stood on what I believed and fought with her to prove that I am right, but that would not have made me happy. In fact, that probably would have made me miserable. Instead, I’ve learned that you can actually win the war for your marriage by seceding the fight. If Samantha, someone who has my best interest at heart and someone I trust with my life, says I made a mistake, then that’s good enough reason for me to admit that I was wrong. So far, she has always forgiven me and given me another chance, and so far, I feel that I am happier for it.

Again, I’m not perfect, and I certainly still have trouble owning up to my mistakes, but it’s a start. I’ve come a long way.

A Commitment

When we first got married, we made a commitment, not only before God and others, but we also made a commitment to each other. Our commitment was that divorce was simply not an option. In a world that continually seems to devalue the institution of marriage through attitudes that make marriages disposable, we decided to hold fast. We said, “until death” and we mean it.

Life has put that commitment to the test. We’ve been through heartbreak, we’ve suffered together, we’ve fought with each other, and we’ve struggled. I have stories that would make you question our sanity because I questioned it while it was happening. Ten years have brought with it a lot of trouble and pain, but we’ve always been here for each other. Through leaving our families’ and friends’ twice, joblessness and money struggles, both pursuing master degrees, abuse from all sorts of people, we have both been the constant in each other’s lives.

It’s been a wild ten years, but I couldn’t have done it without Samantha, and I’d sign up for it all over again as long as I had her. Out of everyone, there’s no one else I’d rather be with. I still have much left to learn, too. Here’s to ten wonderful, wild, wacky years, and here’s to many more. Furthermore, here’s to many more lessons, and hopefully these are learned the easy way. I love you, Samantha.

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